rapex_in

04:15 pm: movies I've watched this month

Breathless- The French New Wave one, not the lame 80's remake with Richard Gere. This was ok, but not nearly as good as I imagined it would be. I need to start watching movies the second I find out about them, rather than waiting years and years until I can find a copy and then be let down. Basically a crime caper about a young Bogart-obsessed Parisian petty theif and his hot American girlfriend who sells him out in the end. Jean Seberg is great in this. This is not not a really good movie, but I think I was expecting a little bit more. Really weird hand held camera angles all over the place, natch. Intentionally crude film making, which may get on your nerves. I'm really big on cutting down foreign classics and/or being let down by stuff, so this is no exception. Would watch it again if drunk.

Kiss Me, Deadly- More film noir shit, this time American and from the 50's. I don't want to spoil the ending for the uniniatiated, but this is defenitaly a crime movie with an extremely bizarre twist. Oh, fuck it. You won't watch this, anyways. A detective spends half the movie chasing down criminals in a "what's in the breifcase?"-type plot. Turns out the breifcase contains a stolen atomic bomb. Shit gets alot more interesting from there on. Really grimey, cheap film making which just adds to the charm. Notable for an early role by Cloris Leachman, who's totally under rated. Based on the Mickey Spillane novel; the guy who plays Mike Hammer in this one is peeeeerfect as a dumb, brutal private dick who fucks everything up. I don't think he made many more films after this, which is a shame. Classic, and I would totally watch this again. DVD has the infamous "missing" last scene. Way rad considering this came out in 1955-ish.

Little Miss Sunshine- This was good, as expected. I really need to get on the ball a bit more with films, considering I just now saw this. I'm assuming everybody else has seen this, so I don't need to go into details. It's kind of a typical indie-comedy type thing, but still really enjoyable. Alan Arkin is almost always good in almost everything. If I see Steve Carell in another "quirky" role, I'll kill myself. Still, all the acting was great.

State and Main- A delightful comedy that just came out eight years ago. Amazingly, it's already on DVD! And available at my library! This is a David Mamet screenplay, so you know it's good. Really stellar cast. Not the most amazing thing on earth, but a cute movie about a group of stereotypical Hollywood-types who invade a small town to make a movie. This is not the usual David Mamet movie-no GlennGary Glenn Ross shit going on here-but it's still pretty dark. And funny. One thing: I really don't like it when P.S. Hoffman plays the moral compass/voice of reason/only sane guy in a movie. Example: I hated him in "Magnolia". My favoirte PSH role was probably in "Happiness", if that says anything about what I want out of him. Maybe the gay guy in "Boogie Nights". Something about him playing "normal" just strikes me as really off.

Hollywoodland- I actually loved this. So here's everybody's main beef with this movie: it's really two movies in one. There's one movie about the mysterious death of George Reeves. There's another one about the down-and-out detective trying to figure out whodunnit after the fact. They don't really mix together that well. That being said, this is over all a great movie. Even Ben "I'm The Worst Actor Ever" Affleck is awesome in this. That's saying alot. Diane Lane is amazing in this. Adrien Brody does overacting on par with the worst Sean Penn movies, but even that doesn't manage to fuck it up. I thought this was really solid, although it could have had 30-40 minutes of Adrien Brody edited out. I will def. watch this again. I will maybe buy it.  Great costume/set design and camera work, too. Really recreated old Hollywood. Parts of the George Reeves scenes felt like you could live in them. Beautiful, but maybe overdone, movie.

Fallen Angel- KILLER sleazy Otto Preminger film noir from the end of WWII. New con man in a small town tries to romance a fellow con artist (super hot Linda Darnell). She won't leave town with him unless he gets money. His plan: rip off a lonely, rich woman in town by pretending he's in love with her. Shit gets even whackier from there. This is top notch DARK gutter-life shit with amazing cinematography. I would watch this over and over again. Really under rated Fox classic.

12:29 pm: American Idle
There's this blonde woman about my age who goes to a local pub/restaraunt on the same night that I do. Without fail, she will strike up a casual conversation with me and then gradually start hitting on me. From there she goes into these long, egotistial spiels about her life which are puncuated every two or three minutes by vanity affirming rhetorical questions like "you think I could make it on American Idol, right?" or "so why would I work full-time when it won't help my career?"

Naturally, most people's instictual response to all of this would be to tell her to fuck off and/or start making fun of her. But, since I, for whatever reason, empathize with people's lost dreams, I just nod my head and act like any whim she has could magically become a reality with the snap of her nervous, shakey fingers.

Our one-way conversations are usually broken up into two subjects: 1.) her burning desire to make it as a pop singer and 2.) her extreme dissatisfaction with her job as a research interviewer at Nielsen Media Research, the T.V. ratings place. Subject Number One I don't mind hearing about; I've never dreamt of being a female pop singer, so I guess it's quasi-interesting to hear some maniac go off about how close (yet so far away) her Idol-inspired dreams seem. Number Two, however, I could do without. I actually worked at Nielsen's for over two years, and I realize how shitty it is. The only thing more tedious than rehashing my own stale hatred for that company is having to listen to someone less articulate (and possibly more crazy) than I am ramble on about it.

Now, here's the thing about this girl: 1.) she has a boyfriend and 2.) when she speaks, which is constantly, she spits on me. I don't really mind being a shoulder to cry on for a taken girl who I have no romantic shot with whatsoever (really, isn't this my lot in life?), HOWEVER, I do sort of mind having to continually wipe off the three or four pounds of saliva she leaves on my face during the course of our conversation. Put it this way: Imagine being slobbered on by the most annoying, sponge-lipped dog on earth, only that dog is a human, and it wants you to rate its Karoake version of "I Will Always Love You" on a scale of one to five...

So this brings up a dilemma: how do you really tell someone they spit when they talk? And do they even know how much they spit when they talk? I mean, how do you bring this up? "Hey, you're really talented and stuff, but did you know you spit all over me when you speak?" Is there really a polite way to address this issue without sounding rude or overly blunt?

I've tried to turn my head to the side when she talks, but this only makes me seem like I'm not paying attention to her. Plus, her spitting covers a pretty wide radius of space. Even if my t-zone isn't being splattered, I'm still catching her throat sprinkles on my check and neck. It's as if there is nothing I can do to escape her watery punishment.

Fed up, yet unwilling to directly address the issue, I came up with an alternate plan last night. Inspired by a horrific run-through of "Ice, Ice, Baby" performed by some retarded frat jock with a faux-hawk, I decided to ironically answer all of her questions in the form of Vanilla Ice lyrics. I contemplated using "Havin' A Roni", but realized if I was going to make up my own inside jokes, I should at least use a song popular enough for her to "get". I'm not sure what there was to "get", but for some reason it seemed like this was an ideal way to get her to stop talking and/or spitting on me.

"So, like, I have contacts with Disney, right?"

"Wax a chump like a candle," I say.

"What do you think I should do? Quit my job?"

"Cook M.C.'s like a pound of bacon," spoke I.

"I mean do you think I should quit my job and just persue singing full time?"

"I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom," was my wise reply.

Anyways, it didn't work. She just looked at me weird and kept talking. Although she did stop asking me stupid, self-affirming questions. 20% win in my favor. The next time somone starts spitting on you as they detail their carear plans, contemplate using Arrested Development or Snow lyrics instead. Either way, the silent people will someday win the war against the loud.

03:51 pm: A few nights ago, I saw a girl I quasi-dated at FSU. She was out at a bar in Dunedin; it was pretty random. She was down from Tallahassee for Christmas break. I guess she lives in the area.

This was pretty akward for me because she was one of the few people I've ever broken things off with. We had hung out for a few weeks and it was getting to that point where you're kind of obligated to start dating someone. Or she assumed we were going to become romantically linked. I did, too, but I just sort of randomly changed my mind. I just wasn't whole heartedly into it. But I didn't exactly sit down and explain this to her, make a speach, yadda. More like I abruptly stopped talking to her. Which is the kind of behavior I normally loathe in other human beings. It's a total cop out.

She actually called me out on it right in front of the Williams Building a few weeks after I stopped talking to her. "Why did you stop calling me?". She was more pissed off than sad. I sort of weasled my way out of it. I think I said: "I hadn't heard from you, so I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore.". Reverse psychology. Which is total bullshit. And kind of misleading, because then the other person could think there was an honest communication error and that the two of you could try to work things out again.

I think I lied and told her I was late for class, then I walked away. Hopefully she wrote me off as sketchy and flakey; I really hope she didn't get worked up over it. She was really nice, but I just wasn't that into her. It seemed, however, that she was pretty into me. Maybe that scared me off. I'm not sure. Or maybe she wasn't into me at all and I'm just distorting reality. Either way, she's one of the few people I've dated who I broke things off with. Usually I'm the one being dumped and given the "you're really nice, but..." speach.

I suppouse I should have sat down and just been honest with her. But somehow, telling someone who likes you that you don't like them just seems cruel. So I guess it was easier to just disappear. I'm good at that.

08:29 pm: I didn't get to do anything last night for New Year's Eve because I had to work at 7am this morning. I fell asleep in 2007 and woke up in 2008. Wonderfull. Inexplicably, someone called me and invited me to a party but I was already half asleep. I'm trying to remember what I was doing last New Year's but I can't even remember. Seriously. I'm trying to recall it right now as I'm typing and I'm just drawing a huge blank. What the fuck?

The only recent New Year's celebration that comes to mind took place at some scene party in Land O' Lakes. All these white trash fucks with bad tattoos and obnoxious bangs were hanging out and drinking. I think there might have been a fight. Ricky Hollywood was there; he was wearing a Germs t-shirt and kept asking me if I needed a beer. I needed a hundred beers to deal with that night; it was filled with morons. That was one of the most alienating parties I've ever been to. You couldn't talk to anybody there. It was like a sea of morons who looked interesting but weren't. I forget if this was before or after FSU. It's sad that I can't remember a new year's eve party that has taken place since.

What the fuck did I do on 01/01/07?

02:31 am: A User's Guide To 80's Hair Metal Ballads.
Sometime during the late 1980's, cheesy LA glam rock bands realized that the most genuis thing a stupid cock rock band could do was to write a sappy, sentimental love ballad. Actually, KISS realized this in the late 70's with their (only, I think?) top ten mega-hit ballad "Beth". For some reason, it took another ten years before their latex-clad descendants would fully realize the marketing potential of this gimmick. The results speak for themselves: most of the 80's hair bands had forgettable "rocker" singles, but almost every one of them (seriously, like EVERY one of them...it's amazing if you really dig into it) had a hit (or at least quasi-hit) record using this gimmick.

There are a few rules to the metal ballad phenomenon. The primary rule is this: The song has to stand out in sharp juxtoposition to the rest of the album and/or the band's entire output. For every love ballad in a band's repotoire, there should be at least 8 fast, loud songs about sex/drugs/rocknroll/etc. The crux of the Glam Metal Ballad philosophy rests on the understanding that the song is a three minute novelty item and is vastly dissimiliar to the rest of the groups material. I guess the psychological reasoning behind that would work out somewhat like this: when sexed out, drugged out "bad boys" decide to get weepy, they must really mean it. As oppossed to say, Billy Joel, who's constantly writing ballads and must therefore be suspect of fradulent sentimentality.

Note that this works both ways, because whenever Billy Joel (or Elton John, or whoever) writes a "rock song" (example: "We Didn't Start The Fire"), it usually becomes a big hit. Bottom line is that people like the unexpected. Although doing the unexpected is now so expected that it's really just expected. So really the cool thing to do would be to do EXACTLY what people want out of you.

But I digress. There is a secondary rule to the metal ballad: it should stay a soft ballad for the duration of the song. If a song starts out soft and that gets heavy, it isn't called a ballad. That's just called having dynamics. As an example, "Stairway To Heaven" is not really a ballad, per say. The song starts off quiet and then ends as a typical 70's bombastic Led Zeppelin song. "Tangerine", however, would be a ballad. Don't ask me how I know so much about Led Zeppelin's catalog. I don't want to talk about it.

This, of course, is a loose rule. There are always exceptions.

Themes for ballads usually revolve around love (duh), or the lonliness of being on the rode. Lonliness Of The Road ballads usually wind themselves back to being love songs, anyways. Bad childhoods and rocker girls who o.d. on drugs are also good themes. If you're really pushing it, like glam's savior Brett Michaels, you might tackle religious faith and/or politics in your songs. This, obviously, comes off as really stupid. So it's best to just stick with songs about girls.

1.) L.A. Guns- "The Ballad of Jane"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zE-PrvCZs4&feature=related


What's stupider? The fact that the lead singer is walking around bare-chested while clutching flowers, or the violin section at the end of the song? Here we have a ballad of the "girl gone bad" variety. Our protagonist Jane has ended up "a shame" due to vague, unexplained circumstances. Unlike those clean cut, well-rounded nice boys in L.A. Guns, right? I dunno why the band is playing next to a pool, but I guess it works. I also don't know why the guitar player feels the need to play a fill every five seconds of the song, but I guess that works, too.

2.) Poison- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiEpLI5exrU

The epitome of the entire genre, baby! Was it something he said, or something he did? Did the words not come out right? We'll never know. As much as I (and it would seem, every idiot on earth) enjoy this song, Poison did commit the ultimate glam ballad sin by double-dipping with this tune:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe71zCA5xFQ&feature=related

"Something To Believe In". This song really pushes it. For one thing, you're only really allowed one hit ballad. For another, this song is fucking ridiculous. Vietnam vets? Homeless people? Bret Michaels was on a serious head trip at this point. Stick to songs about groupies, my mascara-and-ripped-Levi's wearing friend!

3.) Cinderalla- "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUA0ai0XxRU

These bands sure were sage-like founts of insight into the human condition. Every rose has its thorn? You don't know what you've got until it's gone? Speak to me from the mountain top, Buddah. Your profound wisdom is blowing my mind.

Cinderalla are one of those bands who divided hair rock fans of the era. The guy's voice was so extremely fucking ridiculous that you either loved them or hated them. One thing's for sure: this love ballad was their only real hit. The singer made enough money off this song to afford a lifetime of outdoor pianos and Steven Tyler outfits.

Then again, money isn't everything. Hey, wait a second. That's a pretty deep thought. Money isn't everything? Great song idea. Does anyone have a pound of hairspray, a leather cod-piece, and an aucostic guitar? 1987 is soooooo gonna be our year.

4.) Lita Ford (featuring Ozzy Osbourne)- "Close My Eyes Forever"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loyTCkV06xQ

As much as lovingly poke fun at these twits, it's hard for me to put Lita Ford in the same category as Winger, Cinderalla, etc. I mean, she was in The Runaways for God's sake. She was also (little known fact) asked to be the guitar player in Kiss after Ace Frehely left. Which she turned down. So she at least has some pretty serious credibility. Plus, look at those hoop earrings. I'd like to see Kathleen Hannah or the chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's pull that off.

That being said, Lita Ford didn't have a hit until this swank metal ballad. Unlike the rest of these songs, this one is actually kinda good. Plus this song essentially reserected Ozzy Osbourne's flailing post-Randy Rhodes solo carear. Once again, the rockers ask the deep questions. If you close your eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged. I dunno, Lita, but that's heavy.

5.) White Lion- "When The Children Cry"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkvGpfGzgT4

Yet another 80's glammer that tries to take on subject matter that is a bit too heavy for guys who wear make-up. In this case, the fate of the entire human race. Like they say, "when the children cry, let em' know we tried". What White Lion "tried" to do is beyond me, but I'm sure it had something to do with hair spray, denim jackets, and a rehab center in West Hollywood. Thanks for the legacy, guys! We won't let the next generation forget what you've done for us.

6.) Guns n' Roses- "Patience"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEzuC5UoM8g

This was really a shocker. It came out right after "Apetite For Destruction". Who knew Axl was so sensitive? Who knew he could whistle? Who knew Duff could count to four? Wonders never cease. Seriously, though, this one is actually pretty good. One thing I never understood is why Axl felt the need to do weird snake-like sex moves with his hips throughout the video for a melodramatic love song, but whatever. Anyways, smashing neon hotel room telephones and playing with snakes in bed whilst models vie for your attention must have been the primary fantasies of suburban males in the late 80's, cuz this video was huge.

7.) Tuff - "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC-9NBhxTxw

When I first saw this, I thought it was a satire of the very genre I'm talking about; alas, Tuff were a real band. A really, really stupid band. This song takes the cake as far as cliched lyrics. Sadly, this band did not make it very big. Although they had fabulous hair cuts.

8.) Motely Crue- "Home Sweet Home"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4457H6Gxd8

Who can't relate to this song? Seriously, every time I'm on a huge tour bus playing for stadiums full of screaming fans, all I can think about is going back home for a little peace and quiet. It's such agony being a rich rock star. I wish a band would write a song about this dilemma, as it is so universal and applies to almost everyone. And I wish they would put a cheesy piano part at the end. Wait, Motely who? I must look into this, asap.

9.) Kiss- "Forever"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KxeI2oKNN4&feature=related

Only Kiss could copy the bands that copied what Kiss had already done ten years ago. Leave it to these guys to both lead the pack AND follow it at the same time. Here we have Kiss's shitty, Michael Bolton-penned love song "Forever", which is so lame even I don't like it (and I just made four LJ posts about Kiss).

10.) Slaughter- "Fly To The Angels"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n09QVCD5KVo&feature=related

Oh, you thought Slaughter could only talk about being up all night and sleeping all day? Foolish 1989-era MTV viewer! You've yet to see the emotional depths this band is capable of. You've YET to fly to the angels! Btw, did NASA build this guy's drum kit? Fucking ridiculous.

11:55 pm: My American Nightmare
just keeps happening.

01:38 am: What can you say about Peter Criss that hasn't already been said on an episode of Donahue circa 1986? He's the cat man best known for a.) singing Kiss's breakthrough hit ballad "Beth" and b.) having been the victim of a scam during the 80's in which a man posing as him went to the tabloids and claimed to have lost all his money on drugs and booze. The real Peter Criss later went to the media and defended himself. He was, of course, completely fine and still rich.

Criss is hard to get a good take on; he's impossible to hate because of his "average guy" image and he's not really that easy to salivate over as a rock star because he's so boring. He's kinda the medium member of Kiss: He's not cool enough to be adored (a la Ace), but he's not a big enough asshole to hate (a la Gene). Mediocrity and rock stardom do not click in my book, however. I guess it's safe to say that Peter Criss is not my favorite guy in Kiss. I do not like green eggs and ham. I am Sam. I'm a poet and don't know it.

So I guess we can end this by saying that my favorite member of Kiss is probably Ace. Have I built up a large enough academic thesis to prove my point? No. This whole thing was rigged, guys. My favorite member of any band, by default, is always the guitar player. I myself play guitar. Ergo, there was a guitar bias going on throughout this whole investigation which nullifies the entire thing.

Therefore, there is NO COOLEST MEMBER OF KISS until someone can look at this less subjectively. I leave the rest of this project up to you. Carefully study "Double Platinum", "Alive!", and all of their solo records. Make up your own mind. Stop looking to me for Kiss prophecy.

In less Kiss-oriented news, I'm excited to see "No Country for Old Men" and "Juno". I wasn't going to be excited about "Juno" since I kind of hate Diablo Cody (hate is a strong word; I dislike her), but the trailer looks pretty funny. I'm also interested in seeing "Factotum", but I've been saying that for something like a year now. It takes me a long time to see movies. I'm always the guy that raves about a movie two years after it first came out.

Actually, fuck "Factotum". Matt Dillion is a Z-grade actor who hasn't been in a good movie since "Over The Edge". See, again with the biases and outside references. They stop you from truely enjoying films and from correctly determinging who was the best member of 70's hard rock bands.

12:26 am: Oh, man. Let me just say that I publicly endorse this chick. I dunno how I stumbled upon her, but let me spread the word. It's some scene chick from NYC who plays goofy rocknroll songs in her kitchen and video tapes it. And she's hot.

I am also publicly proposing to this women. Will you marry me? YES/NO/MABYE,BABY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa3CyADF50U

01:34 am: There are two main things you should know about Kiss: 1.) He's generally considered the coolest member of Kiss (note: I generally always assume lead guitar players are the mid-range "coolest" member of a band; drummers might tell you that Peter Criss is where the action is) and 2.) he's beloved by Kiss fans for quitting Kiss when they started to suck and not be as Kiss-like as they once where (which is quite odd, because Peter Criss quit the band before him, and I was never really sure if Ace quit or just got kicked out due to his drug and alcohol problem). I'm not trying to take sides on any of this; I'm merely reporting what a Kiss-ologist would probably tell you is the general feeling among the Kiss fan base.

Oh yeah, did I mention Ace Frehely had a notable drug and alcohol problem? Like, to the point where a girl he dated wrote a book about what a wasted, coke head fuck up he was after he quit Kiss. I forget the name of the book, and I remember Ace discrediting it as bullshit. Needless to say, just the fact that someone thinks they can get away with something like that proves that you are known for a really bad substance abuse problem.

It's kinda like this: Gene (who claims to have never had a drink in his life...which is vaguely un-rockn'roll to me) got all the ladies; Ace got all the backstage cocaine. Or so Kiss mythology would go.

Besides these (what I would consider to be) positive factors that would make Ace my favorite member of Kiss, there is another big element working in his favor: when Kiss decided to release four seperate solo albums at the same time, his was far and away the best. The Ace Frehley solo record is probably my favorite Kiss album (although not really a Kiss album, per say); the fucking thing always blew my mind when I would play it as a kid. It's like a really sleazy mixture of everything that was cool about Kiss mixed with The New York Dolls mixed with punk, sort of. Almost every song is about chicks or drugs. This is like the gold standard for cheezy 70's cock rock. Also, Anton Fig from Letterman's Late Night Band plays drums on it. Sassy.

This is what's weird: The thing that I most respect about Ace (leaving Kiss when they started to suck) is also kinda the thing that I find most lame about him. Not because he quit Kiss (they did indeed start to suck; he should have left after "Love Gun"), but because he talks about him leaving Kiss as if it were some sort of huge artistic protest. Ace is one of these guys who considers himself to be a serious musician. While Ace does indeed have some hot licks, it's not like these guys were R.E.M. or The Beatles or something. They wrote songs about getting laid and drinking vodka. It's not exactly deep, emotionally touching shit. So while quitting a band when they start being "less cool" is noble, acting like the fact that you did it makes you Mozart or something sort of cancels out your good deed.

That being said, I still really like Ace. He's notorious for hating Gene Simmons, the control freak of the band, and he's notorious for being a drunk, sloppy fuck up. He was also the first person to rig a Les Paul up so that flames would shoot out of the pick-ups during guitar solos. And that HAS to mean something to us as a culture.

Ace Frehley: better than Gene and Paul.

01:59 am: I've been thinking about becoming an actress. The kind that doesn't call their suppousedly close friend to say goodbye on the night before they move. If you have any scripts that fit this part, send them my way. Don't email them, though. I have no idea how to use the internet.